The Waiting Game

I have never really been a patient person.  Now more then ever.

So here I sit, waiting.  Waiting to find out if my life will irrevocably change.  I already know that no matter what the diagnosis, I will still require surgery.  It's just whether or not I will receive the big C diagnosis. 

I am so scared right now.  One of the worst things is that the sister I live with won't let me just be scared and cry it out.  That is what I need.  The only time I can do that is when she isn't around.  Otherwise, she tells me that I am being silly.  That I just need to think positive.  That everything will turn out fine. 

WELL, I'm sorry if I am human and knowing that I might have cancer is completely freaking me out.  I'm sorry if me showing that I have emotions is the wrong thing to do.  Why can't she just let me express how I feel instead of repress it?  I just really need a shoulder to cry on.  Unfortunately, I just don't have one.

My best friend hasn't been around.  I told her that I was waiting to find out if I had cancer and that was the last I heard from her.  That was weeks ago, before they even did the biopsy.  Hell, at this point she doesn't even know I had a biopsy. 

Right now, I just feel so alone and abandoned.  Thankfully, the waiting game will be over on Friday.  Friday I will find out whether or not it is cancer.  Then again, even if that biopsy is fine, there is still a possibility that I could still have cancer.  So technically, the waiting game might not be over.

You see, my uterus is much larger then it should be.  A normal woman's uterus is 4 to 6 cm in length.  Mine is 16 cm.  My right ovary is also very much enlarged.  In fact, I have a cyst on the right ovary that is about the same size as my entire left ovary (which is also enlarged).  The biopsy was done on the endometrial lining.  That was something they could do in the office.  The uterus itself or the ovary could have cancer.  The won't know until they are removed and they can run a pathology on them.  So if the biopsy comes back negative that will just mean that I don't have endometrial cancer.  It doesn't mean I don't have uterine or ovarian cancer.  Those are still very much possible.

I have already started looking into what the local cancer center offers to their patients.  I figured with my family history of cancer and with the test results that I already have, that I might as well start preparing myself.

I do have to say that my anxiety levels started leveling off a bit after I just gave in and started reading what to expect after receiving a cancer diagnosis.  Not because the services they provide are excellent.  I think it was more because I am just now starting to accept what will more than likely be inevitable.

Do I want cancer?  HELL NO!  Would anyone really?  It's just that I can name six people in my family off the top of my head that have died from cancer.  Who knows, I might actually beat the odds and get told that it isn't cancer.  However, those odds are not good and definitely are not in my favor.  I just want to be prepared. 

One problem that I foresee is that if I need either an MRI or CT, they will not be able to inject me with contrast.  I had recently been diagnosed with renal insufficiency.  In order to be able to be injected with contrast, a person should have a GFR of above 60.  Mine is only 45.  The GFR shows how well your kidneys are filtering.  So that shows that my kidneys are filtering out well below the normal level.

I am not sure what they inject with for a PET scan.  I do know that an injection is involved.  They might have to do a bone scan to look for hot spots instead.  Yea, I know a little too much about all of that.  It comes from working in a radiology facility for many years.

Well, time to go sit and wait some more...

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