Soulful Sunday

Last night, I did a lot of soul searching. I had been in emotional pain for a very long time. I felt that I need to start really taking a look at what was causing some of this pain. So last night I sat down and wrote in my regular journal. By the time the entry was done, my hand was cramped around my pen (now I remember why I hate writing instead of typing!) and I was in tears. It was a very cathartic experience for me.

Here is what I wrote:

I had been trying to win her love all of my life. I always felt that I was never good enough, never pretty enough. I was just a kid. I didn't understand. Why didn't she love me like all the other mommies? Why was she always distant?

The only times she would interact with mer was with Ms. Frances.

My mom had been sick before I was born. It was always "leave me alone, I don't feel good" or "You don't know what its like to be in so much pain".

I never gave up though. I wanted her love so baldy. I remember after my dad died, she was sitting in the back room crying. I went and sat beside her. I wanted to comfort her and be comforted by her. I was only 16. I didn't have the coping skills to deal with this. I was lost. I felt abandoned. I didn't have anywhere to turn. Instead of hugging me though. She pushed me away and told me that she wished it were me that died instead of him. I didn't understand.

It wasn't until I got older that I realized that she saw alot of herself in me. She hadn't wanted me dead, she wanted herself dead. But I didn't understand at that time. I had finally made peace with my mom. I even finally got her love. Now she is gone. Now I am alone once again. I have no where to turn once again.

I just hope that I can find that core of strength that she had within me. She was always some how able to keep going on no matter what. I just don't think I am as strong.

I miss you mommy. I just wish I had told you more often how much I loved you. And how much I admired you. It took alot of courage for you to go back to school in your 40s. You did it though. You became a nurse and patients loved you. You helped so many while working at the hospital. Even though you were sick and in pain, you kept going.

I don't think I can. I don't know how. I feel like my life just isn't worth anything. I feel so empty.

What is my purpose for still being alive? There has to be some reason for it. If there wasn't then I would have already been called back to the Summerlands (or heaven as my mommy calls it)

Do you ever watch over me mommy? Do you miss me? I miss you!